I Screw Up, Too (An Apology)

In the interest of fairness, I feel the need to explain that I screw up, too. Shocked that I’m not perfect?  I know, I know.  Me too In all seriousness, I just had a conversation where a lot of my actions were called out, and rightly so.  There are two people involved in a relationship and its demise, and very rarely is only one person at fault.  I recognize that I did play a role in our breakup.  I try to have the best intentions, but I am human and make a lot of mistakes.  So now I will be open about what I have done wrong.  It won’t be easy, and I feel some shame and embarrassment, but I need to write it anyway.  I may not get everything here, but I will write what I can, and will mean every single word of it. My transgressions: When I was pregnant, I freaked out a lot.  I had the weight of the world on my shoulders, and he did his best to keep me positive, but I realize now how hard that was for him.   I was negative, I nitpicked at him, and I felt like I was in a big funk all the time.  On more than one occasion I made him feel like he couldn’t do anything right, and I can’t describe how awful I feel about that.  Especially because the truth is that he did a lot of things right, and I recognize, appreciate, and am thankful for those things. I went back on my word when I told him I wouldn’t put private conversations online.   That was wrong.  Just because we split up, doesn’t mean I need to take back my promises. I made the mistake of calling him out on his personal business tonight.  What he does with his life is none of my concern, and I won’t try to make it my concern ever again.   In an attempt to make myself feel better about my future, an attempt designed to give myself a little bit of hope, I unfortunately stumbled across something that caught me off guard and really hurt my feelings.  Instead of letting it go, I texted him about it.   I was wrong to say something, and I won’t do it again.  He needs to live his life in the way that works best for him. Friday night- Ugh.   I just wanted to have a conversation to clarify things and to get rid of my confusion.  Instead, it turned into a giant clusterfuck that I regret.  I had this entire conversation played out in my head, with different possible scenarios, and then when it actually happened, it was like a train wreck.  I should never have gone over there.  I drove away hurt, angry, and shocked, once again asking myself, “What the hell just happened?”  My intentions for that talk couldn’t have been further from the reality of what transpired, which resulted in the angry blog. What is that quote again about intentions?   The road to hell is paved with good intentions.  Actually, it’s something more like

Hell isn’t merely paved with good intentions; it’s walled and roofed with them.  Yes, and furnished, too.  –Aldous Huxley

Sigh. Also, I know better than to say things I can’t take back in the heat of the moment.  I was clouded by hurt and pain (just like tonight) but that is no excuse.  I then added his name to the angry blog I wrote that night, which was uncalled for, as I did not have permission to do so, and like I mentioned before, I also had promised I wouldn’t record our personal conversations on the internet. We broke up almost a month ago, and I have been struggling to let it go.  A part of me has held on to hope, and with that, inadvertently held on to some expectations.  I can’t expect anything from him, nor should I.   All I can do now is give him what he wants, and I fully intend to do so.   I no longer carry hope with me.  I understand its broken.  Actually, it’s shattered, set on fire, and the ashes pissed on. I am an emotional person, sometimes too emotional, and the past three months have been more stressful than anything I’ve ever experienced in my life.  I am still trying to adjust to a new sense of normal, whatever that may look like.  I don’t know where I am going.  I have questioned everything in my life since November 1.  It is hard for me to think back to the fall, when I had a plan and knew where my future was headed.  It wasn’t just me putting up false bravado.  I really thought I had it figured out.  And then everything changed, and now I am trying to figure things out all over again.   And since the break-up I have had to face some negative truths about my life and my past that have me questioning if I will ever be in a functional relationship.  I am trying hard to work on my issues and to become a stronger, healthier, and better person. Going forward, I hope he and I find what we are looking for, whatever that may be.  Neither of us are villains.  We are two imperfect humans who have been through a lot, made mistakes along the way, and now are picking up the pieces after the storm.   All we can do is find any lessons to take with us in our separate journeys. I wish I had some witty or profound way to end this, but I don’t.  My heart hurts, not just because of the loss, but also because of the total mess everything has become. Actually, I will end with something specific, and that is to be careful what you wish for.  Thinking back over the last 3 months, I made some secret and not so secret wishes that I want more than anything to take back.  I said things that I think back on and just cringe.  About me, the pregnancy, and him.  I carry this strong instinct to want to fix it, to take care of things and nurture it back to a healthy place.  But some things can’t be fixed, nurtured, or be healthy again, no matter how much you wish that could be true. That’s all I got. -B

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2 thoughts on “I Screw Up, Too (An Apology)

  1. I wish I knew what to say that would somewhat help. Not only does your heart hurt because of your pregnancy but because of a breakup. That’s no easy feat. You’re getting through it though, one day a time, and for that you should definitely give yourself some credit. That takes strength. It may not feel like you are strong, but you definitely are. AND you articulate it so well, and with such beautiful words. You got this!

    • B says:

      Thank you! I am getting through the fog day by day. It helps to have support and know that I’m not alone. You may think you don’t know what to say, but just reaching out anyway and offering kind words means a lot. ❤

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