I am so, so bitter. So bitter, in fact, that I cannot bring myself to share in the pregnancy joy of others. I don’t want to hear about it, I don’t want to know about it, I want to pretend their pregnancies don’t exist. I feel awful for admitting that out loud, but each time my friend brings her pregnancy up to me, it feels like any progress I’ve done to stich my heart back up is unraveled. I know two pregnant women, and I had to block them from my FB newsfeed so I don’t have to read their updates and see their pictures.
How long is miscarriage grief supposed to last? When will I be able to see baby bumps and not feel a lump in my throat the size of an orange? When will I walk past the baby section of a store and no longer fight back tears? When will I see a young couple with a baby and no longer imagine what my family would have looked like? When will I see a man holding a baby and not flash to the image of what it would have looked like with my ex holding our baby?
I do my best to compartmentalize my life so I can get through each day. I spend one hour a week talking about my loss in therapy, and then the rest of the week I shove the pain into a box, only to be reopened at the following session. While I think about my ex all the time, it’s somehow easy for me not to think about my miscarriage until I am triggered. I don’t know why that is. Perhaps it is because there is no bringing my baby back, but my ex is still walking around living his life. Details on his life are just a social media click away.
I would have been four months pregnant on Saturday. I told someone how sad that made me, and they said, “don’t be sad about that. You just need to live your life and move forward.” If healing my heart and moving forward was that easy, I would. Believe me, I don’t like feeling this way. I don’t like reaching milestones that will never be realized because the baby died and feel an ache reverberate through my body. I have to choose my words carefully these days, because it’s like I can’t even be sad anymore. People either say, “oh, don’t be sad, just move on,” or they say, “Oh, well, maybe you should go to counseling/talk about that in counseling.” No one wants to hear about what I’ve been through.
Because no one wants to talk about dead babies and lost loves.
So, So bitter. I just want to fast-forward to a time when this no longer breaks my heart over and over again. I need something, anything, to go right.
Until next time ~ Bitter B