Tomorrow I would have been five months pregnant. Big enough to find out the sex of the baby with an ultrasound.
Would it have been a boy or a girl? Would she have had my eyes? Or maybe he would have had his daddy’s smile. Would we have been collecting things in blue or pink? Would his middle name have been Michael? Or maybe her name would have been Sophia.
This milestone, or lack thereof, really sucks.
My coworker is pregnant. She was only a couple of weeks behind me in pregnancy, and she has a nice round baby bump. Today at work she was showing it off with a fitted t-shirt. It took all I could do to not just sit and stare at it. I tried desperately to avert my eyes. Is that how my belly would like right now? I felt transfixed, and when she finally walked away, a relief flooded over me. Every day I see her at work is like a slap to the face. A reminder of what I will never have.
My baby died. Hers survived. Would you like to know why? Because the universe does not play favorites. Mother nature is not a warm cuddly maternal figure, but rather a cold, biological, unemotional entity that doesn’t care. There is no god or higher power. The world owes you nothing.
Sometimes when I see a woman holding a baby, my arms physically ache knowing I will never hold mine. When I see a father holding his child, I see T holding ours and feel the acute pain knowing that will never come to pass. When I think of pregnancy milestones, by body hurts.
Our child would have been beautiful.
I have never, in 31 years on this earth, known how much I want to be a mother until I miscarried my baby. It was easy to get pregnant, but I have always known there was a chance I would have reproductive troubles. I worry that my miscarriage was not a chromosomal abnormality, but rather my body being fucked up inside and unable to carry a baby to term. I wonder if I will end up like those women who have miscarriage after miscarriage, only to have it all end in a divorce, because the relationship couldn’t survive all those years of broken dreams and failed pregnancies. My relationship certainly didn’t survive an experience that, in such a heartbreaking way, brought out the worst in both of us. We couldn’t survive the grief.
Miscarriage feels like a failure. It feels like your body has betrayed you. As a woman, this is the one thing that I am biologically programmed to do, and instead of successfully carrying out that task, my body malfunctioned. On Christmas Eve, one of my favorite days of the year, the cramping and bleeding began that tore away the lining of my uterus, taking my baby with it. The ultrasound scan displayed a now empty uterus. Where I once saw a heartbeat, I now saw a blank screen. This was visual proof that my body’s pre-programming system had failed.
Seeing my pregnant coworker makes me ask What is her body doing right that my body did wrong?
Miscarriage makes you feel like damaged goods. Defective. Insecure and self-consious. I can’t imagine telling this story to someone new without them running off into the hills. What man is going to sign on for all of this? Who is going to want me now? Because it’s not just the issue of my defective body, but also because of my lingering abandonment/commitment issues. I’m like a giant walking red flag. I actually hid on the Max the other day because an attractive man kept looking at me and I was afraid he would walk over and start talking to me. I hid behind a group of obnoxious teenagers. Talk about a low point.
But that is the majority of my days now- a smattering of low points amidst moments of joy.
I am on the road to healing, but I will never forget this loss, and I will never forget these emotions. This was my baby. My little nugget. A treasure that I shared with another human being, who would have been an amazing father. An amazing father to our baby.
No, this will be with me always.
Until next time ~ B