Miscarriage. Such a terrible word. Three months later, and I still have a hard time with the reality that it happened to me.
Pregnancy loss is one of the hardest things a woman will ever have to experience, particularly if the baby was wanted. I never knew how much I wanted to have a child until I lost mine. It still aches in deep places when I think about what happened. It’s a profound sadness that will never go away. It may lessen over time, but it will always be with me.
What is hitting me particularly hard lately is that my baby dreams are on hold. I am envious of couples who have grieved together, and that envy runs especially deep knowing that can try for another one when they are ready. I have read stories of women who got pregnant as little as a few weeks after their loss, and carried a healthy baby to term. I do understand that I am generalizing here, as many couples struggle with fertility and multiple miscarriages. There are also couples who simply don’t know when will be ready to try again.
Part of my jealousy stems from not having a partner to plan another child with. I don’t have a future baby daddy in my life. The father of my lost baby grieved on his own. It kills me to think that we conceived a child and yet grieved separately. It also stings deeply knowing that I have no idea when I will ever have the opportunity to plan for a child with someone I love. I don’t have that to look forward to. Not only am I dealing with the horrific pain of losing a baby alone, but I can’t even look forward to trying again.
I lost everything. I am rebuilding my life right now, brick by brick, and it feels like an eternity before I will ever see a positive pregnancy test again. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t just want the baby. I want it all. I want someone to come home to. I want a home of my own. I want a career. I’m slowly putting the pieces of my life back together, but it’s a long, difficult process. I’m searching for the light at the end of the tunnel, but right now all I can do is run my hands along the wall and blindly feel my way there.
I no longer have hCG running through my veins, but some days it’s hard to believe that. I still feel like it’s there when I see babies, especially one that may have looked like mine. I feel like it’s there when I see pregnant women. I feel like it’s there when I pass the baby section in a department store. The strong, driving urge to nest and procreate feels as though it remains at the same level it did when I was still pregnant. Will this ever dissipate? Will I forever see young families and feel myself burning with envy inside?
And by god, when will I stop picturing T when I think of a future family? Somedays I wish I could wipe him out of my brain. Well, that’s not true. Rather, I wish I could wipe the idea of him as part of my life out of my brain. No matter how many times I tell myself he doesn’t want you, you need to move on, it’s like my brain is hardwired to reject those thoughts and keep him in that picture anyway.
I would like to think that I’m just being too hard on myself. It’s only been a little over three months since the worst day of my life. Things are slowly improving. I finally found a job, which I start next week. I had two men on two consecutive days give me their phone numbers, so I must be putting some kind of positive vibe into the universe. Spring is here and the cherry blossoms are blooming, which always makes me feel like renewal is just around the corner. Am I finally on the upswing, and this relentless pain of my blank, partner-less and baby-less future will begin to fade away? Will this soon be nothing more than a far away memory that I look back on with respectful melancholia?
There is nothing sadder or more frustrating than a miscarriage. I know that I am strong and will make it through these dark days. I also know that I am only 31, and there is hope for me yet. There is still time to find someone to build a life with. Someone to have children with. Someone to grow old with.
Such a terrible, terrible word.
Until next time ~ B